Due to the forthcoming redux of The Evil Dead I feel the need to address the remake craze of
classic horror films of the 70s and 80s that has plagued Hollywood since the early/mid 2000s. There
were many floating around out there of varying types and of various qualities.
Some I felt were warranted and others not so much. I mean, the point of remakes
back in the day was to take a film that featured a great concept, character or
story, but failed at making a good film and attempt to improve it. For the most
part this was due to lack of talent behind the camera, the budget was too small,
writers came up with a new spin on the material or the technology needed to
tell the tale properly wasn’t in existence yet.
For example: the original The Amityville Horror featured a great central concept, but the
film itself was trash. Therefore I didn’t balk when I heard that a remake was
in the works for release in 2005. Sometimes the remakes don’t work out either,
which is what happened in this case since it was just as crappy (to read my
review click here).
Platinum Dunes, a production company run by Michael Bay that
mainly focuses on remaking horror films and are primarily responsible for all
the endless horror remakes we’ve seen for nearly a decade, has made a shit ton
of these that began in 2003 with The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre and continues to this day.
Just like the original from 1974, the story deals with a
group of friends on a road trip through the Texas countryside that clash with a
crazy family of cannibals, one of which wears a mask of human flesh and wields
a chainsaw… Leatherface.
The story is basically the same, only the bloodletting has
been amped up considerably and intelligent storytelling has been kicked to the
curb. Tobe Hooper’s original film was terrifying due to the fact that it
featured no named actors to identify with and that it was violent without
showing any gore. It was also a simple story that had a slight satirical edge
along with the horror. The dinner scene remains burned into my memory due to
how creepy and insane it was without having to resort to covering the table
with bloody entrails and such.
That is not the case here. From the moment the movie starts
we are shown nasty holes blown through people’s heads, bodies cut in half,
limbs severed and guts and bone flying everywhere covered in generous amounts
of blood. There is nothing scary going on here at all since it is all about
going for the gross out and that is all. I’m sorry, but that does not make a
movie for me. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy gory horror movies. When it’s the
only reason for the film’s existence is where I draw the line (don’t even get
me started on the prequel made a couple of years later).
There’s also a stupidity streak running through this flick a
mile wide. Case in point: One victim is fleeing from Leatherface through his
backyard which is filled with drying sheets fluttering in the breeze. This guy
runs right into the villain’s chainsaw, which cuts his leg off in one swipe as
if it were made out of butter. For starters, chainsaws are not fucking katanas.
They are not razor sharp slicing devices. I can see Leatherface cutting into the dude’s
leg initially and finishing the job once he falls to the ground, but when I saw
him take the limb off in one swing I literally screamed “Fucking bullshit!” On
top of that this poor sap couldn’t hear the chainsaw running from behind the
laundry? Last time I checked those things were pretty damned loud even when
they are just idling. Double bullshit.
The acting is pretty bad and I’m surprised Jessica Biel was
given leading roles after this was released. She can’t even scream effectively.
Her co-stars, especially Eric Balfour, are just as bad if not worse. The fact
that Balfour (who was dating Biel
at the time) still gets work baffles the mind; just check out his performance
in Skyline. ‘Nuff said.
The only actor I give total props to in this travesty is R.
Lee Ermey as the “Sheriff”. He is a blast to watch and looks like he’s enjoying
every minute of being a villain. His co-evildoer, Andrew Bryniarski, gives an
imposing physicality to the role of Leatherface but zero personality. I know
it’s hard to do when you have no dialogue, but just look at what Kane Hodder
did for Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th,
Part VII: The New Blood. His body language did wonders for the character
and the fans ate it up. The filmmakers realized this and brought him back to
play the part three more times.
The film has a cool look and atmosphere, but that’s pretty
much the only aspect of the filmmaking process that director Marcus Nispel ever
gets right. All the other movies he’s made suffer the same fate, be it Pathfinder or the remakes of Friday the 13th and Conan the Barbarian. He’s a talented
visual stylist and as far as I can tell started the whole super contrasty look
craze, but that’s all. He never seems to be able to coax good performances from
his actors, film an action scene in a coherent way or even tell a story for the
most part.
It’s a bad movie and a perfect example of a remake that was
not even necessary. The original was a perfectly capable fright flick back in
the day and still is despite being severely dated. They improved nothing and as
far as I am concerned made the franchise even more of a joke than it had
already become (ever see Texas Chainsaw
Massacre: The Next Generation?). The prequel that followed is even worse
(why would you ever show Leatherface unmasked?!). Unfortunately it made a tidy
profit and Platinum Dunes was given full reign to remake whatever film they saw
fit… and they picked some doozies.
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