Sunday, June 23, 2013

ThanksKilling 3

I am a connoisseur of B-Movies as you can probably already tell if you’ve ever read from this blog before. Most of my favorite films are of this type since I really enjoy watching legitimately bad movies in order to get a good laugh and revel in their awfulness. However, there are movies that are so bad that I am completely incapable of finding any redeeming qualities within. ThanksKilling 3 is one of those films.

So this overly convoluted story picks up after the second film has been made, but there’s really no second film to watch because the series goes straight from the first flick to the third. The joke is that the second film was so bad that every copy was set ablaze to rid the world of its awfulness. It turns out the evil Turkie (voiced by Jordan Downey) had placed a curse upon that film that would entrance the world to do his bidding, and when he learns there is one last copy of it in existence he decides to track it down.
I’m going to do my best to review this flick since I watched it so long ago for my podcast Van Damme That’s Good a few months back. Regardless of all the small details I might not remember, I do know one thing – this is one of the worst movies ever made.

The original ThanksKilling was a simple film that satirized slasher films, cost next to nothing to make, made fun of itself constantly, went from one ridiculous idea to the next with reckless abandon and didn’t outstay its welcome (its 66 minutes long). While it is definitely a bad film I can see myself watching it again at some point due to how batshit crazy it is. I mean, how can anyone resist a giant homicidal turkey puppet chasing a topless pilgrim girl through a forest with a butcher knife while screaming “Gobble gobble, motherfucker”? What it lacked in plot, filmmaking standards and acting it more than made up for it in the humor and insane wackiness department.
ThanksKilling 3 is the exact opposite.  It was funded via Kickstarter (the first film project to reach $100k in donations as of 2012), it takes itself and its inane plot too seriously, the movie is too long for its own good and it stars just 2 actors. The rest are puppets. Yes, 90% of the characters are puppets. Like Muppets, but unlikable and cheap looking.

The main character, Yomi (also voiced by Jordan Downey), is a young girl (puppet) who has had her brain removed (it looks like a uterus and ovaries) for some unknown reason and gets mixed up in all the craziness involving Turkie and his son trying to find that last copy of their flick. There’s also a small alien worm named Rhonda (voiced by Kevin Stewart) who rides on the back of her bodyguard Muff (also voiced by Jordan Downey) in Master Blaster fashion, a rapping grannie puppet named Flowis, a Revolutionary War theme park owner named Uncle Donny (Daniel Usaj, one of the only human actors here) and some other useless puppets that show up.
There is no plot, just a random series of events that don’t link up at all and are all filmed/acted horrifically. There is no cleverness, intelligence or even a script driving this project. It feels as if once the filmmakers obtained their $100k from Kickstarter they just threw caution to the wind and said “let’s do whatever we want!”, and they did. It’s a mess. It’s unfunny, painful to watch and an embarrassment to the art of filmmaking.

The acting boils down to one guy reacting to a bunch of vulgar and terribly voiced puppets. Most of them are voiced by the same two guys, even the female characters. Daniel Usaj looks lost for the entire run time and I don’t blame him. If I were in his shoes I’d be having trouble finding any sort of motivation to continue working on this shitstorm and might reconsider the career path I had chosen. He’s that bad. The voice actors are all godawful as well, with Jordan Downey and Kevin Stewart showing off that their idea of being funny is yelling non-stop obscenities and making rape jokes.
All the puppets look cheap, the FX (a vortex being one of the only examples I can remember) are lame and the sets are of the bargain basement Styrofoam classic Star Trek variety. Honestly, I can’t for the life of me figure out what they spent that $100k on, because it looks like they spent maybe $20k on this back alley abortion. Maybe the Red camera system rental? I don’t know and I don’t really care. All I know is that if I were given that much money to make a film I would have produced something watchable.

I hate this film. I hate it with every fiber of my being. There is nothing positive I can say about ThanksKilling 3 other than after an overlong hour and thirty nine minutes of absolute brain melting torture it finally ended. Director Jordan Downey should never be given the opportunity to make a film ever again. He had his chance and he blew it on this travesty of epic proportions. And with that I am done giving this wretched excuse for entertainment one more moment of thought.

0 out of 5

P.S. If I could give this a negative score I would. ThanksKilling 3 is now the second worst film I have ever seen next to Battlefield Earth in the top spot.

P.P.S. I give total props to my pal James who had to sit through this rancid turd once more for our podcast. He said it was his third time watching it. He is a brave, brave soul.

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