A Nightmare on Elm Street Retrospective

It’s Halloween, therefore everyone is in an ooky, spooky mood and are dying to watch some horror flicks. Myself included. So much so that I was in the mood to discuss some of my favorites. I’ve already done reviews of every entry in the Halloween franchise, the Leprechaun series as well as a retrospective about all the Friday the 13^th films combined. What is there left to talk about?

How about my favorite horror franchise of all time – A Nightmare on Elm Street!

I love me a gory slasher film, but the Freddy films hold a special place in my heart. Not only do they give horror fans the blood-soaked goods, but each film shows off a different visual aesthetic and tone. Sure, some are better at it than others, but they all take full advantage of the “anything can happen in a dream” motif. Tons of creativity mixed with the general creepiness of Krueger really went a long way with me. It still does.

So I will do a quick synopsis of each film followed by a short review beginning with the original film and ending with Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (You can ready my review of the 2010 remake here).

Let’s get started…

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Plot: A group of teenage friends are haunted by nightmares of a burned man armed with a glove tipped with knives who wants to kill them all when they are the most vulnerable – while they sleep.

Review: Wes Craven created a juggernaut of a teen horror flick with the original A Nightmare on Elm Street film. It has a little of everything people were craving from their slasher flicks back then – gore, a great villain, likable characters, creepy visuals, cheesy synthesizer music and big hair. But one thing that sets this film apart from the glut of other slasher flicks of the era was the fact that the killer can only kill you while you sleep. And while that’s a cool concept, what makes the film great from an audience perspective is the way Craven masterfully handles the dreams of its characters mingling with the real world. There are some times where it’s difficult to ascertain if what you are watching is in fact happening in reality or in someone’s head. The likable cast is easy to root for even when they act like morons. I especially loved Heather Langenkamp as final girl Nancy Thompson. She may look bookish and timid, but she doesn’t put up with any shit and takes matters into her own hands without hesitation. Johnny Depp also is a standout in one of his first roles as Nancy’s doofy boyfriend Glen (he gets it the worst out of everybody). But these types of movies are only as good as their villain, and Craven created one of the greatest of all time – Freddy Krueger. Played by the dorky looking Robert Englund, he made a character that is essentially a ghost haunting these teenager’s dreams into something absolutely terrifying and equally thrilling to watch in action. The burn make-up is creepy, the simple costume used to make him look like a non-threat is genius and his modulated voice is creepy beyond belief. And the kills! The gloriously gory kills! I can go on and on about this one all day and night. It’s considered a classic in the genre for good reason. In a couple of areas it is a little dated, but for the most part it still holds up and is just as fun as it was back in the mid-80s. An all-time favorite.

4.5 out of 5

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)

Plot: When the teenage Jesse’s (Mark Patton) family moves into Nancy Thompson’s old house, he begins to realize that a person stalking him in his dreams is attempting to possess him in the real world for some nefarious purpose.

Review: Freddy’s Revenge is one of the most controversial films in this franchise. Why? Writer David Chaskin decided to take a different route when creating the story by introducing LGBTQ themes into it. Some people hated it, others embraced it. I think it makes the movie unique and yet another interesting angle to set itself apart from the pack like its predecessor. Is the movie good? I find it entertaining, if not a little slow paced and boring at times. The acting isn’t all that great either. But the make-up effects really stand out here and are shockingly graphic. Especially the classic scene where Freddy literally rips his way out of Jesse to kill one of his friends. The score by Christopher Young is odd, featuring the songs of whales and subtle sound design in place of an orchestra or synths. The main gripe I have with this entry is the fact that it is shot in an extremely generic way, almost like a television movie. Where Craven went hog wild with the visuals in the original, director Jack Sholder didn’t seem to put much thought into it at all because the film looks flat and dull. But when something of note happens the film does tend to come alive in the best ways. Some of the imagery is creepy beyond belief (the dogs with human faces), sometimes it’s just flat out dumb (the family’s parakeet going on a rampage). It’s an uneven film that was trying to do something different, and while it succeeded in that department it didn’t make for a completely successful sequel.

3 out of 5

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

Plot: A group of troubled teens being held in a psychiatric hospital realize that the reason they have been locked up is because they are all being stalked by a killer in their dreams – Freddy Krueger.

Review: Dream Warriors is my favorite film in the franchise. Not only does it introduce a group of highly likable and relatable characters for the audience to root for, writer Frank Darabont and director Chuck Russell wisely decided to take Freddy out of the shadows and make him the main attraction this time around. He’s the reason people flocked to these movies in droves, why not give them more of what they want. And more was what we got. And boy howdy does Robert Englund look like he’s having the time of his life playing everyone’s favorite frizzle fried serial killer! Bringing Heather Langenkamp back as Nancy was another masterstroke after she was left out of the previous film altogether. But the main reason I love this film as much as I do – it’s just flat out fun. Sure there are gory deaths and all that, but it is a fast paced and breezy slasher film filled with humor, great characters, amazing effects work, outstanding performances and a lot of clever surprises. The first time I watched this gem of a horror flick I was taken aback by just how much of the plot I didn’t see coming in advance. When I first saw this I was relatively new to horror films, but in a short amount of time I was able to figure out all the genre’s clichés. This one kept me guessing and on my toes. The introduction of the dream powers was another thing I adored about this film. Darabont added some comic-booky wish fulfillment into the mix and it fits like a glove (pun intended!). Everything about it is top notch and creative in ways the second film wasn’t. It’s also highly ambitious for a low budget slasher flick. Russell had some balls back then and was constantly innovating even though he barely had the money to do so (not something you can say about his modern day work). I have to watch this entry at least once a year and I still find it as fresh and entertaining as I did back in the day.

5 out of 5

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Plot: The three remaining Elm Street kids are being picked off by a newly resurrected Freddy, and he needs to use the dreams of a withdrawn girl in order to move on to a whole new slaying ground.

Review: This is where the series started taking a nosedive. Due to the overwhelming success of Dream Warriors all the remaining films in the franchise were designed to mimic that film’s outline. Everyone has a dream power, Freddy does nothing but crack lame jokes and the deaths get more bizarre and complicated. Everything that worked in the previous film is amped up to 11 here, only now they are 100% more annoying and gratuitous. Sure the film is extremely fast paced and visually it looks like a late 1980’s Mötley Crüe music video, but director Renny Harlin puts all of his focus on the way things look instead of making sure the characters are likable and fleshed out. We get barely any insight into the players, so when they are taken out by Krueger we don’t feel anything for them. The movie is nothing but a non-stop cacophony of pop songs, visual effects and horrific dialogue. I do enjoy this entry in the series a little bit. Even though it’s shallow as hell doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. It’s like junk food. You like it even though you know it’s bad for you. I did have a huge crush on Lisa Wilcox, who plays the new final girl Alice in this film and the follow-up, so I did watch this one many, many times due to her involvement. This is the highest grossing movie in the franchise because it appealed to the MTV generation in every way, and that approach definitely worked. It also diluted these films from here on out.

2.5 out of 5

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)

Plot: When Freddy returns to stalk Alice (Lisa Wilcox) and her friends she realizes that he is using the dreams of her unborn child to do what he does best.

Review: I really do not like this film. Where The Dream Master was a supremely fast paced music video, this one is dour, slow and worst of all boring. Sure the subject matter of teenage pregnancy is a serious one, but did the film have to be such a downer? Freddy is barely in this entry, and when he is he’s annoying and acts like an old man. Writer Leslie Bohem follows the template laid out by Dream Warriors to a “T”, except that all the characters that fill her script are so badly written and unlikable that you kind of want Freddy to kill them so the movie would just end. This is also one of the driest films in the series. Only 3 characters are offed and the death scenes are so dumb and overly complicated, not to mention heavily censored, that they are a mess and hard to make out what is going on. There’s also a lot of dumb filler added into the mix to pad out the runtime, like a subplot about Dan’s parents wanting to take Alice’s baby away from her once it’s born. Ugh. At this point the franchise was starting to show its age, just like Freddy in the film. Pumping out a new film each year was not allowing the filmmakers and screenwriters enough time to come up with new and interesting stories to tell. They just kept settling for repetition. Sure director Stephen Hopkins has a great eye for interesting visuals, but he was the wrong fit for this franchise. He did move on to bigger and better things, but it still surprises me to hear that based on the strengths of this movie he was offered the job directing Predator 2. Go figure.

1.5 out of 5

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

Plot: Freddy Krueger finally meets his match when he comes face to face with his own child, the only person who can bring him into reality and kill him once and for all.

Review: I may have disliked The Dream Child, but I intensely loathe Freddy’s Dead. This once creative franchise had fallen so far that it had to resort to an outdated gimmick like red/blue 3D to get butts in the seats. Yes, The Dream Child didn’t do too well at the box office, so New Line Cinema decided it was time to quit while they were still ahead and end their flagship franchise with film #6. So what do they do to make sure the series goes out with a bang? They give the reigns to Rachel Talalay, a production manager who had been slowly working her way up the New Line ladder with each film in the franchise. This was her first film as a director and it shows (thankfully she went on to become a fantastic director) because there is no visual style, no energy to any of the scenes and the big finale where Freddy is finally killed for all time is lackluster and underwhelming in the extreme. The acting is craptastic across the board, Robert Englund looks like he’s ready to throw in the towel and the gore is like something you’d see in a television movie. I’ve seen made for SyFy Channel films that are nastier than this. Guillermo del Toro was originally hired to write the script (which sounded very creative and interesting), but it was scrapped for Michael DeLuca’s boring ass Twin Peaks rip-off instead. Everything about the film is ugly and cheap, from the special FX to the musical score which is heavily influenced (aka stolen) by “Night on Bald Mountain”. The jokes Freddy vomits out are all eye-rollingly horrific and the big twist as to who is really Freddy’s child was predictable from frame 1. And to top off this shit sandwich, the 3D, which was kind of a big deal at the time as no other movie was really using it anymore, doesn’t work at all. Even the film was heavily edited when it came to home video to liven up the pace. What in the hell was New Line thinking when they gave the thumbs up to all these choices?! So the big finale was nothing but a big dud. I saw it opening weekend and was disappointed beyond belief and had no problem telling everyone how much I hated it. I still do to this day. Way to go New Line Cinema.

0 out of 5

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994)

Plot: Actress Heather Langenkamp begins receiving threatening phone calls from someone that sounds like fictional character Freddy Krueger. What at first looks like a series of pranks becomes increasingly sinister as it appears Freddy is attempting to cross over from the world of celluloid into reality.

Review: While at first the idea behind this pseudo-sequel to the Nightmare films seemed a little silly and dumb to me, it turned out to be so interesting and creative that I wondered why New Line Cinema never went with this approach sooner! It certainly would have been a better sendoff for Krueger than Freddy’s Dead, that’s for damn sure. I guess new Line was looking to take advantage of their cash cow one last time and gave Wes Craven free reign to do anything he wanted for one final Freddy feature. He definitely did not disappoint. The conceit that Freddy is some ancient evil that was held captive by the Nightmare films, and without them to contain him he is free to do as he pleases, including going after the people involved in the films that imprisoned him, is like I said a bit goofy. But it is presented in such a fun and meta way that it’s almost like watching a warm up for Craven’s own Scream a few years later. Langenkamp plays herself, Craven plays himself, Englund plays himself, New Line owner Bob Shaye plays himself… it’s weird but it works. And Freddy is made extremely creepy once again! This version of himself is in a more pure form of evil and he doesn’t really crack jokes or get all playful like the last few films. He’s all business and brutal as fuck. Craven even manages to inject a couple of legit action scenes now and then into the mix. It’s a strange film that plays with reality in ways the first film did, obviously a Craven staple, and I am thankful for that. The only real complaint I have is how the finale does get a little hokey with Freddy’s goofy wagging tongue scene and the overboard acting. It hits all the right notes, throws a little fan service our way and expects the audience to be able to keep up. It really works and it’s a lot of fun to boot.

4 out of 5

So there you have it! My review of the entire A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise (not counting Freddy vs Jason as that’s not completely a Nightmare flick). Take my opinions as you will. Everyone’s will be different and that’s great. I still watch these films to this day (even the bad ones) and find new things to like about them each time. A sign of a true series of cinematic classics (some more than others).

So what franchise should I take on next? Let me know in the comments below!

The entire A Nightmare on Elm Street series gets:

3 out of 5

Dark Phoenix

While I don’t post reviews very often on this blog much anymore, when I do you might see a pattern forming. I tend to post reviews that are contrary to the popular opinion about a specific movie. Most are negative on my end to something that has been widely praised (Halloween, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom). Well, today it’s the opposite. I’m posting something positive about a movie that’s been absolutely panned by the press.

So this final (20^th Century Fox) X-Men film has been fraught with behind-the-scenes woes. The Disney/Fox merger, multiple reshoots, redesigning of certain special effects after most have already been completed, shifting release dates and the fact that this is a retelling of a storyline that had been played out in a previous movie. The moment that word gets to the press that there have been “massive reshoots” the rumor wheel goes into overdrive that the finished product will be a “disaster”. It’s this kind of word of mouth that murdered Solo: A Star Wars Story before it had even hit multiplexes (and I enjoyed that film more than The Force Awakens by far) and countless others.

Reality check: Every. Single. Movie. Has. Reshoots. You just don’t hear about them unless they are for a movie with a massive budget and is highly anticipated. That’s how the press works. Whatever will get them views and attention is what they will focus on. Not some 2 million dollar horror movie, but the 200 million dollar superhero epic. The sad part is that most audiences subscribe to this smear campaign type of media immediately instead of giving whatever movie has been targeted a fair shake.

I do not fall for that bullshit. If it's a movie I want to see I'm going to see it regardless if it's been pre-billed as an "absolute shambles" before anyone has even had a chance to see it in its entirety.

Dark Phoenix is one of those films.

When Jean Grey (Sophie Turner) is overtaken by a cosmic force that amplifies her telekinetic abilities as well as her darkest emotions, her fellow X-Men (James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicholas Hoult, Tye Sheridan, Alexandra Shipp, Codi Smit-McPhee, Evan Peters, Michael Fassbender) must attempt to bring her back from the brink before that power consumes the world.

Yes, it is a retelling of the "Dark Phoenix" saga which was previously mishandled completely in The Last Stand. Is it done justice here? Not really. I’ve read the comic book story and while this does have similarities it’s not an accurate representation. Does that matter to me? Absolutely not. All I care about is if the movie is enjoyable.

In my case it was.

So what did I enjoy about the film? The tone. This is a somber and dead serious take on these characters. This is NOT a Marvel film where there is ample humor to accompany the action. There are no jokes being thrown around willy nilly. The last thing I want to hear when we are watching a beloved character fighting her internal demons is someone asking “Does anyone have any orange slices?”. The color palette is slightly muted, the special effects are toned down when compared to most superhero films and the excellent minimalist score by Hans Zimmer reflects that somber feel as well. Writer/Director Simon Kinberg went all in on this dour mood to make the film seem more grounded in reality than any of the previous X-Men outings regardless of the fact that there are shape changing aliens running about.

I’ll fully admit that I had zero confidence in Kinberg’s directing ability before seeing the film. The last time I remember the lead writer of a superhero franchise (Kinberg wrote The Last Stand, Days of Future Past and Apocalypse) taking over the directing duties of the grand finale was David Goyer and his horrific Blade: Trinity. I was worried this would be a repeat of that situation. I am pleased to report that it was not. I was pleasantly surprised by his confident hand in directing this massive troupe of actors, filming crazy action in a way that makes sense and keeping the audience emotionally invested in the characters and story (the scenes between the young Jean and Xavier are fantastically well written and acted). He made it different enough to stand out from other recent comic book flicks and I appreciated that a lot.

The cast is all in fine form with Sophie Turner really inhabiting her character of Jean Grey completely. I didn’t think much of her performance in Apocalypse so to see her step up like this was welcome. She sells the dual nature of her character well and was sympathetic in the extreme. James McAvoy can play Professor X in his sleep by now. The same goes for Michael Fassbender as Magneto. They are a joy to watch, especially their scenes together. Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t have much to do as Mystique, but she gets a couple of stand out moments. Nicholas Hoult really goes for broke when Beast feels he has been wronged at one point and loses his shit. Alexandra Shipp as Storm, Codi Smit-McPhee as Nightcrawler and Tye Sheridan as Cyclops all have their moments to shine. Jessica Chastain does the creepy vibe well as the villain, Vuk.

There isn’t a whole lot of action in this film (like I said, it’s toned down from what we expect from a modern day superhero adventure) but what’s there is kind of rad. There’s a confrontation between the X-Men, a couple of rogue mutants and Jean in a posh mansion that was unique and different. The speeding train finale allows the characters to unleash their powers in awesomely fun ways. So cool was this sequence that I repeatedly mumbled “wow” under my breath more than once as it played out.

Everything is presented in a logical way that builds on every film that has come before it. The story finds the X-Men worldwide celebs after defeating Apocalypse in the previous entry. The fame has gone to Xavier’s head a bit as he constantly volunteers his students to take on increasingly dangerous missions in order to “keep the peace” between mutants and humans. But Xavier’s declaration that while there is peace between the two species at the moment, the fact that they are always going to be one incident away from being hated again weighs heavily on him was a nice touch. Jean Grey’s descent into villainy is that incident and we watch everything come crumbling down. On the flip side Magneto, not wanting to be a part of human society, has created a peaceful community for mutants called Genosha which is something I remember from the 90s animated series. Actually, this film seems to take a lot of cues from that seminal Saturday morning cartoon. It just presents it in a dead serious tone with 100% less spandex. Another plus in my book as that show was a favorite back in the day.

There's also a few surprises that genuinely shocked me. I won't go into spoiler territory, but I was taken aback a couple of times. I will say that seeing Halston Sage from The Orville playing Dazzler during a keg party made me smile in a cheesy way.

But not all is perfect. The alien D’Bari villains are woefully underdeveloped. Their motives are kind of spat out in a rapid fire exposition scene and while their deal does fit into the “rebirth” theme of the film it isn’t the most thought out plot point. The finale (after the train sequence) is a little underwhelming and short (this was the reshot bit), certain popular characters are pushed off to the sidelines (Quicksilver) and sometimes the special effects that were changed at the last minute were a little obvious (the glowing cracks that form over Jean’s face when she begins to get pissy). The movie is also a mite slow in parts.

So what was reshot? The original ending was to take place in outer space. I’m assuming that once the train sequence ended Vuk took Jean to the D’Bari ship in orbit and some shit goes down. I read that this scene was extremely close to the finale of Captain Marvel, and since Disney now owns the X-Men they demanded changes. The short finale among the remains of the train was the end result. I also read that the effect originally used to show Jean’s powers was very much like fire in zero-gravity. Once again very reminiscent of what Captain Marvel’s powers looked like when unleashed. So the CG cracks in her skin and the purple/orange glow were used instead. I’m sure there was some tweaking of certain scenes to make these reshoots feel like they were part of the plan all along as well. Personally, I didn’t feel that the reworked finale was out of place at all. It felt natural, but as I’ve mentioned before, too short. But that’s just me.

In the end I really enjoyed Dark Phoenix. I like it more than The Last Stand, Origins and Apocalypse combined. It sits right in the middle of the films in this franchise for me. It’s definitely not a perfect film. But it is a good one. If people would stop listening to the toxic BS the entertainment media keeps spitting out about films that undergo significant changes after principal photography more people would be willing to give films like this a chance.

3.5 out of 5

P.S. There is a window left open for another sequel, but we’ll never see it now that Marvel owns the property and plans a complete reboot. 

My List of X-Men Films from Best to Worst

1.     X2: X-Men United

2.     X-Men: Days of Future Past

3.     Logan

4.     X-Men: First Class

5.     X-Men

6.     Dark Phoenix

7.     The Wolverine

8.     X-Men: Apocalypse

9.     X-Men: The Last Stand

10.  X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Best and Worst Films of 2018

I saw some amazing movies and some absolute trash in 2018, but that can summarize the film scene of any year. Regardless, these are my picks and mine alone. If you see a movie you didn’t like in the #1 spot please don’t pitch a hissy. This is only my opinion featured here and not the final word on the subject.

Additionally, I have not seen every movie released this past year (believe me, I tried).

Also, I rarely base my opinions on how well made or "important" a movie is. I go by how much I was entertained by or moved by a particular film (and for those that know me well, I really just want to be "entertained" by a film). So here we go...

Geektastic Film Reviews’ Top Ten Films of 2018:
10. Game Night
9. Hostiles
8. Black Panther
7. Hereditary

6. A Star Is Born
5. Annihilation
4. Bohemian Rhapsody
3. Avengers: Infinity War
2. Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse
1. Mission: Impossible - Fallout

Honorable Mentions:
Aquaman, Bumblebee, Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2, Ready Player One, A Quiet Place, The Incredibles 2, Deadpool 2, Ant-Man & The Wasp, Blockers, Tomb Raider, Upgrade, Pacific Rim: Uprising, Solo: A Star Wars Story

Geektastic Film Reviews’ Ten Worst Films of 2018:
10. Tag
9. Black Mirror: Bandersnatch
8. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
7. Hotel Artemis
6. Day of the Dead: Bloodline
5. The Titan
4. A Wrinkle in Time
3. The Predator
2. Halloween
1. The Cloverfield Paradox

Dishonorable Mentions:
Venom, Mortal Engines, The Meg, Rampage, Extinction, The Strangers: Prey at Night,  Insidious: The Last Key, Game Over Man, Batman Ninja

Most Anticipated Films of 2019:
10: John Wick: Chapter 3
9. Godzilla: King of the Monsters
8. It: Chapter 2
7. The New Mutants
6. Star Wars: Episode IX
5. Us
4. Captain Marvel
3. Alita: Battle Angel
2. Glass
1. Avengers: Endgame

Least Anticipated Films of 2019:
10. Zombieland 2
9. Grudge
8. Shaft
7. The Addams Family
6. Sonic the Hedgehog
5. How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World
4. Ugly Dolls
3. Toy Story 4
2. Aladdin
1. The Lion King

Well, there you have it. I feel that is was a great year for movies in general. I look forward to what 2019 has to offer! Feel free to share your favorite/least favorite films of 2018 in the comment section below. I would love to hear from you!

Halloween (2018)

One of the first things I did for this blog when I started it back in 2013 was write a series of reviews covering the entirety of the Halloween film franchise. Good or bad, it’s an uneven series like most horror franchises, but I still have a soft spot for Michael Myers and his silent stalker ways since the original film was one of the first horror flicks I ever sat through as a kid from beginning to end without wanting to cover my eyes or run out of the room. So when I say that I am a Halloween fanboy you best believe what I say is the genuine article.

After Rob Zombie’s unwatchable and terribly mean spirited cinematic abomination known as Halloween II was released in 2009 I was pretty much done with the franchise. That movie was so bad in my eyes that I didn’t care to ever see another sequel/reboot again. When it was announced that Blumhouse and director David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express, Your Highness) were to begin working on a new entry into the Michael Myers saga I was less than excited. Especially when I read that this new film was a direct sequel to the original film and would basically erase parts 2-8 as well as Rob Zombie’s versions from existence (not that I’m complaining about Zombie’s films being thrown away). Not cool. Halloween H20 had already done that back in 1998 when it negated parts 3-6 to make it a direct sequel to 1981’s Halloween II, picking up the story 20 years after ”the night HE came home”. I didn’t mind that so much because the direction those films were heading was so convoluted and ridiculous that the series was about to implode onto itself. I actually loved Halloween H20. It treated the original film with respect and didn’t do anything overly ridiculous to muddy the waters. It was a great homage, didn’t stray too far from the path set by those before it and had a sense of finality to it (well, Laurie did decapitate her brother at the end, so, yeah). It ended the series on a high note and I felt it didn’t need to go any further after that.

Then Resurrection happened. And then the Rob Zombie reboots. Ugh.

With this new revisionist sequel (that’s what I’m calling this new entry) H20 was being erased from existence even though it was stealing that film’s gimmick and having it take place 40 years after the original. Jamie Lee Curtis was back playing Laurie Strode once again, John Carpenter was involved in the creation of the story as well as the composing of the score and even Nick Castle was returning to play The Shape once more. The trailers started making the rounds and I was impressed by what I was seeing. It looked like a great homage made by fans of the original film trying to correct the wrongs done to this franchise over the years (The Revenge of Michael Myers… what a dog). The reviews were slowly trickling in and damn if it wasn’t getting some high marks from the usually cynical media when it comes to horror films. I was excited, so on opening weekend I checked out the film with a friend who is a fellow horror fan.

I absolutely hated the new Halloween.

BEWARE! THERE WILL BE MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD!

Picking up 40 years after the original film, Michael Myers (Nick Castle) has escaped his captors once again during a prisoner transfer and returns to his hometown of Haddonfield to do what he does best – murder. What he didn’t expect was that the sole survivor of his last rampage, Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis), has been preparing all these years to face her would-be killer one last time.

I love the set-up for the film. The pre-credit scene where two true crime podcasters visit The Shape at the psychiatric hospital where he’s resided for the past 40 years is pretty friggin’ intense. We see an old and grizzled Michael, scarred from his fight with Laurie back in the day, in a unique outdoor lock-up for the violently insane. When the investigators bring out Michael’s old mask in an attempt to get a reaction out of The Shape the vibe he gives off wigs out every other inmate outside with him. It was really unsettling.

Then we are treated to something very rare in cinema these days – an opening credit sequence. As the names of all those involved in the film flash by we watch a rotten pumpkin reconstitute itself as the camera slowly zooms into its eye. I took this particular variation of the original film’s credit sequence as a sort of “we are injecting new life into something dead” by Green. I was on board at this point. Especially with the updated version of the main theme by none other than John Carpenter himself (along with his son Cody Carpenter and Daniel Davies) totally giving me the nostalgia heebie-jeebies.

And then the movie really started. Bit by bit I began to feel like I was watching a fan film made by some entitled rich kids who managed to blackmail Jamie Lee Curtis into starring in it for them.

 

For starters, all the characters are extremely unlikable. This was a problem I also had with Zombie’s films, and while it doesn’t go to the extremes of the reboots (no one is called a “cunt” here), I was disappointed that the people I was supposed to be rooting for were some of the douchiest characters I’ve seen in one of these films since Resurrection.

While I did like the PTSD angle taken with Laurie and how it has affected her offspring, it is never taken far enough. In H20 Laurie was a full blown alcoholic who was attempting to drink her trauma away. Here she is just a female variation of Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino who randomly screams obscenities and treats people like shit for the entire runtime (there is a callback to the alcoholism, but it’s too brief to be taken seriously). Laurie is supposed to be the hero of this story. We are supposed to like her and root for her to prevail against her attacker. But her character is written as such a hysterically toxic shut-in that I had a hard time getting behind her. Her daughter Karen, played by Judy Greer, is also written as an unlikable ass who does nothing but complain and whine. Karen’s husband Ray, played by Toby Huss, is an overly immature dumbass who I couldn’t wait to see die. Michael’s new psychiatrist, Dr. Sartain, played by Haluk Bilginer, is an entirely annoying imitation of Donald Pleasence’s Loomis who is given one of the worst character developments in recent memory. Even Officer Hawkins, played by the usually reliable Will Patton, is written as a complete dope. I leave Laurie’s granddaughter Allyson, played by Andi Matichak for last because her character is written surprisingly well and is sympathetic and likeable… if only Andi were a good actress her character might have come off as intended (her calling Laurie “Grandmother” all the time really got on my nerves for some reason).

To say the acting is atrocious is an understatement. Sure Jamie Lee Curtis does a great job playing this version of Laurie. She’s a fantastic and accomplished actress. She was also extremely passionate about this project in the same way she was about H20 (more on that later). Everyone else is, how can I put this lightly… shit. I mean bargain basement levels of shit. What’s on display here makes The Curse of Michael Myers look like fucking Shakespeare. Sure Judy Greer looks like she’s really trying to make it work (this is outside of her usual comedic wheelhouse) but it just never comes together.

The script by David Gordon Green, Danny McBride (WTF?!) and Jeff Fradley is essentially a mishmash of every cliché from 4 decades of slasher films all rolled into one. While this might have seemed cool in the early 1980s, this is the late 2010s. It’s all been seen before and done better in lesser movies. Shit, Scream 4 basically called this flick out back in 2011. The screenwriters all claim to be fans of the series but don’t seem to understand what made the original film work in the first place. Michael didn’t go around killing just any person he came across in 1978’s Halloween. The only people he killed were those he needed something from or those he had targeted for death. He needed clothes, so he killed that mechanic in the field to get his jumpsuit. He targeted Laurie and her friends because Annie (Nancy Loomis) screamed at him as he stalkerishly drove past them on the sidewalk while they walked home from school. That was it! He didn’t just go into random people’s homes and slaughter them for no reason like he does in this new film. Shit, in the original Halloween II Michael went into an old couple’s home to retrieve a knife and just walked out without killing anyone. Here that scene is repeated, but Michael violently hammers the homeowner to death because this film needs to have a high body count to please today’s fans.

And the dialogue… what the fuck were these 3 guys thinking when they wrote “Aww, I got peanut butter on my penis”?! Green, McBride and Fradley are known for their comedy films/television shows. I’m sorry, but their type of stoner/toilet humor just doesn’t work in this kind of film. It’s out of place and awkward. 90% of the dialogue these characters vomit out are straight up putrid. Every line that the dopey Oscar character utters is embarrassingly derpy, especially in the backyard where he thinks The Shape is a neighbor and randomly confesses his dating woes before getting killed. Ugh. There were times I wished this were a silent film.

David Gordon Green needs to stay away from anything other than comedies, and even then his movies are a little on the hard to watch side (ever see the absolutely laugh-free Your Highness?). He has no real style, no vision and certainly no talent for directing his actors in a way that they come off as anything but grating on the nerves. Once again, it was like watching a fan film that had a $10m budget.

Another major problem I had were the many miraculous coincidences that occurred over the course of the film to make sure people got exactly what they needed and got to where they needed to go within the (thankfully) short runtime. So the podcasters have just come back from interviewing Laurie Strode at her secluded home (another issue is that if she is supposed to be completely off the grid how did these douche nozzles manage to find her so easily?) and stop at a gas station. Michael just so happens to be at that exact same station at the exact same time, kills a mechanic for his jumpsuit as well as the podcasters because his mask is in their trunk. Seriously? Michael has no idea where Laurie’s home is (which is shocking since the aforementioned podcasters found it so easily), but is given a ride by his wacko psychiatrist to the place he absolutely needs to be for the finale to take place because if Dr. Sartian didn’t have his dumb as fuck random psychotic break the movie might have gone on for another 30 minutes. All this bullshit makes my head hurt.

Another issue I have with this flick is something I mentioned earlier – the fact that this film is supposed to erase all the other sequels/reboots from the franchise, yet can’t seem to stop referencing them constantly. I’ve already stated that this film stole its set-up from H20, but scenes are lifted from the sequels (the aforementioned knife theft from part II), the masks from Halloween III: Season of the Witch are seen on some trick or treaters, lines of dialogue are repeated, character names are repurposed, etc. If you are boldly claiming that your new film is the REAL sequel to a classic film such as Halloween, make it your own. Referencing the movies you don’t want to be a part of official canon anymore is tacky and I viewed it as pandering to the fans. It annoyed the shit out of me.

And stupidity is just all over the place. Characters do some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen - Dr. Sartian’s “I want to be a psycho killer too” crap, everything involving Karen’s dum-dum husband, all of Allyson’s friends/boyfriend drama, that moronic babysitter “whoops, I slipped” garbage, to the way the movie just sort of ends in the middle of a major moment. I couldn’t count the amount of times I rolled my eyes during this movie. To me it felt thrown together in the same way Halloween 5 was in order to make sure it got into theaters a year after the previous film was released. Ideas were half formed, some that should have been left on the cutting room floor were allowed to stay, the finale was rushed and incomplete, characters were introduced and forgotten about completely (Allyson’s fuckwit boyfriend) while others who were worthless were on screen way too much (Oscar and Karen’s husband), there was way too much gore for a sequel to a movie that was relatively bloodless and forced the audience to use their imaginations to create the details, that pacing was way off and I found myself bored to tears on more than one occasion.

Payoffs are another issue, such as the whole “Say something!” motif. Throughout the movie different characters who interact with Michael keep attempting to coerce him to speak. Additionally there are many conversations that take place where it is mentioned repeatedly that Michael has never spoken. Why keep bringing this up if you never planned for Michael to utter a single word? There is zero payoff to constantly hearing this over the course of the film. There’s a couple of hanging threads like this peppered within, like Allyson’s boyfriend never getting his due comeuppance.

Finally… the ending. It leaves what was supposed to be one last Halloween flick wide open for another sequel. We never see Michael burning to death in that house fire at the end. Sure we see him standing there on the steps giving Laurie and her kin his signature death stare, but when we cut away to another angle of the burning basement he is nowhere to be seen. Fucking stupid. And maddening.

So what’s to like about this flick? There is a lot to love on the technical side of things. John Carpenter’s music is pretty rad and it was great to hear his signature themes updated for the modern era by the dude who created them in the first place. The cinematography is great too. Everything is moodily lit with the right amount of brightness to allow the viewer to make out whatever is going on in a scene and still keep it looking creepy. Loved the unbroken shot as Michael stalked the streets and went in and out of houses murderizing peeps. The look of the signature mask was tops, the set designs were good (all about Smith’s Grove and then some) and when there was action it was thrilling and well choreographed. And I absolutely loved Greer’s “Gotcha!” moment followed by the “It’s not a cage… it’s a trap” twist. I just wished all these positives were in a better movie.

Look, I’m not delusional. I realize this is a slasher film and it is not high art. Not even close. But when I am a fan of a particular franchise I tend to analyze it more closely than others might. I do it with everything – Star Trek, Star Wars, A Nightmare on Elm Street, etc. It’s just how I roll. When it came to the hype level of this movie, the glowing reviews I was reading and my own expectations I felt this revisionist sequel was a massive disappointment. I wanted something different. Something that would justify the existence of bringing this franchise back from the dead with the intention of erasing all that had come before it. The filmmakers had to have had a fantastically radical idea to attempt something like that, right? In the end I felt it was just another cookie cutter slasher film that could have had any number of horror franchise titles attached to it. I found nothing surprising, new or fun about it. Nothing in the slightest. It might as well have never been made.

So in closing I want to point out some hypocrisy on the part of Halloween 2018’s star – Jamie Lee Curtis. She stated in recent interviews that she only did Halloween H20 for the money. “It was a paycheck”. I’d also like to point out that at the time she made H20 she was still a very bankable name, appearing in high profile movies like True Lies, My Girl 1 & 2 and Fierce Creatures. It was her clout that got H20 off the ground in the first place. Yet that movie feels more complete and well made than this one. But that apparently was the “paycheck” movie. I’m sorry, but I gotta call bullshit. This is her “paycheck” movie. Apart from a few bit roles over the last few years (at one point she was retired from acting) and a recurring role on the craptastic Scream Queens series she hasn’t done much recently. She even went on record a few years back that she wasn’t going to be doing the horror convention circuit anymore because she was over the whole horror thing. Well, this feels like it was her “my rent’s due, let’s make another unnecessary Halloween movie so I won’t get evicted” type of project. Was it any coincidence that this came out exactly 40 years after the original? This movie, which has become a HUGE hit, will most certainly put her back as the top draw to Flashback Weekends or whatever horror con she can book for the next 20 years until Halloween H60 comes out in 2038 and she admits this was her “paycheck” movie.

1 out of 5

P.S. Why not wait for the 50^th anniversary of the release of the original Halloween? It would have made much more sense. Like I said… rent was due.