Sunday, October 28, 2012

Halloween: Resurrection

There’s not much to say about this final installment in the long running classic Halloween franchise other than it is complete dogshit. Horseshit. Bullshit. Just plain shit.

So Moustapha Akkad, the producer of all the Halloween movies, finds himself with a huge hit on his hands with H20. So what’s a producer to do? Make another sequel! But wasn’t Michael finally killed in H20? He found a way around that when he hired the two hack writers to find a loophole in the finale of the last film. How do you work your way around someone getting beheaded? You don’t want to know, but I’ll tell you anyway.
So the story of Halloween: Resurrection goes that when Laurie beat her brother down in the school and left him unconscious until the police and medics arrived, Michael awoke and attacked one of the paramedics that was treating him. He crushed the dude’s windpipe and then swapped clothes with him. So it turns out Laurie really beheaded an innocent man. When she realized what she had done she went batshit crazy and was institutionalized. However, she knows her brother is still out there and awaits his arrival. He does show up on Halloween (the guy’s uber predictable) and finally kills his sister by throwing her off the roof. Now with no one left to kill he heads back to his family’s home only to discover that there’s a webcast that is filming there. A group of college students are being paid to spend a full night in the Myers’ home and film their experiences to be broadcast online. Well, Michael doesn’t take kindly to trespassers and goes on yet another killing spree.

This film is so lame and embarrassing that it hardly requires a review. Jamie Lee Curtis told the producers that she’d do the movie as long as her character would finally be killed off so she wouldn’t have to do any more sequels. The college aged characters and the actors playing them (Bianca Kajlich, Katee Sackhoff, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Ryan Merriman, Sean Patrick Thomas, Tyra Banks, Busta Rhymes and more) are absolutely terrible and the fact that you’re forced to slog through this travesty for 90 minutes with these douchebags is like having oral surgery via your asshole.
Returning director Rick Rosenthal (Halloween II) should have learned from his mistakes the first time he made one of these films. Apparently he didn’t because the exact same thing that happened with Part 2 happened here; He shot the movie as scripted, there was a disastrous test screening and another director was brought in to reshoot about ¼ of the film, including a new finale that involved Busta Rhymes going all Bruce Lee on Michael’s face and a random electrocution. Tyra Banks’ character and her demise is pretty much cut from the film, and to make matters worse there’s an opening left for yet another sequel! 

I’ll give you an example as to how bad this dreck is: there’s a scene where Busta, dressed exactly like Michael to scare the college students, finds the real Michael and mistakes him for one of his stunt men and this gem of a dialogue scene ensues, “I'm not payin’ you to be Michael Myers! I'm playin’ Michael Myers! And if them kids come around and see us dressed up in the same shit, it's going to ruin the whole effect! God damn it! What the hell is wrong with you? Go on! Skoot! Skadattle! Get the fuck out of Dodge! God damn it... what the hell does somebody gotta do to get a little decent help up in this mothafucka?” Pure gold.
Rosenthal mucks up every opportunity to build suspense, directs his actors in the worst possible ways and can’t even film a kill scene in an effective fashion. The only positive note is composer Danny Lux’s interesting take on the Halloween theme.

I cannot stress enough how bad this film is. It’s as if Part 5 and Part 6 made with the whoopee and this back alley abortion was the end result. It pretty much spits on the events of the superior previous film, which I find absolutely despicable, and essentially ruins the franchise for all time. This is the reason the series ended here.

0 out of 5

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