Just
when I was beginning to think Nicholas Cage couldn't act anymore and then he pulls a
fast on on all of us by giving a powerhouse performance as
a Ukrainian arms dealer who gets in over his head with his family and the ATF.
There is some striking and disturbing imagery here (like the finale of that
awesome opening credit sequence), as well as a great script and direction by
Andrew Niccol (Gattaca). This is one of the best films out of 2005 and
it's now a personal favorite.
4.5 out of 5
*written 2/9/06
I
never thought I'd ever say this, but Jodie Foster totally sucks in this flick.
She overplays every scene to the point that her eyes look like they're going to
bug out of her skull and that vein in her forehead almost bursts. After falling
asleep on a brand new super plane, Jodie realizes her daughter has disappeared
and thinks everyone on board kidnapped her for some reason or another. Was it
the stereotypical Al Queda types? The somnambulist Captain? The spazoid
passenger who likes to start fights? Who cares?! This flick may have a cool
visual style, but it's boring as hell and predictable from start to finish. And
no airplane has that many open crawlspaces for children to get lost in or
flight attendants to fuck in.
0.5 out of 5
*written 2/9/06
A
group of explorers is sent down into a newly discovered cave system in Romania
to uncover it's secrets. They find a lot of slimy creatures and natural
lighting set-ups. I was expecting this to be a complete waste of time, but I
found it to be a mildly enjoyable little horror/thriller with a great cast
(Cole Hauser, Eddie Cibrian, Lena Headey, Morris Chestnut, Piper Perabo and
Daniel Dae Kim), fantastic visuals and CGI and lots of cool action scenes. Too
bad the movie is totally predictable, it's bloodless and the ending is so bad
that you can't help but laugh at the cheesiness of it. Worth a rental.
2 out of
5
I've
seen bits and pieces of this extended cut of David Lynch's Dune on cable
and I thought it was pretty bad. Now that I've seen the whole thing on this new DVD
edition I can positively say that it does indeed suck ass. It sucks hard. I like
the theatrical version; it's confusing, but it's paced just right and it's
entertaining. This lengthened version stretches every needless plot point out
ad nauseum with a dull narrator's voice pointing out every stupid little detail
that does nothing to expand the story and makes the movie even more
confusing than it already was. They couldn't even finish the effects of the
newly added in footage (the blue eyes go back and forth between shots) and the
new opening montage is told with lame looking storyboards and matte paintings
which don't even sync up with the narration. Totally lame and worthless. I'll
stick with the theatrical version, thank you.
0.5 out of 5
*written 2/9/06
Why
oh why did someone give money to Courtney Solomon to make another movie? We all
saw the cinematic atrocity that was Dungeons & Dragons (based on the grosses it looks like most of you didn't), but someone out there thought he was a decent enough filmmaker to finance another dud
with him at the helm. This ultra boring piece-o-shite is the final result.
While it has a fine cast in Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek and Rachel
Hurd-Wood, they are given nothing to do but react to bad wire work in this
lame retelling of The Exorcist, only set in the late 1800s. It's slow,
meandering and all the other synonyms of boring. And what exactly was the point
of the current day wraparound story? Oh yeah, Courtney Solomon thought up of
that part. Figures. Worthless.
0 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
What
do you get when you try to remake Commando with a wrestler as your main
star? The Marine, that's what. While it's not completely awful, it's
full of so many stupid moments of cheese that I can't recommend it. Every time
something explodes it's shown in super slo-mo with an actor superimposed on top
of it either being thrown from the blast or walking away from it unharmed. John Cena for the most part walks away with only a couple of minor
abrasions in the end after getting his ass pummeled for 90 minutes straight.
He gets a fire extinguisher to the face at full speed and there's not one
bruise to be found afterward. While it's dumb fun, it's just not that memorable
or exciting. Some cool action, and Cena is a decent action star, but that's about it.
1.5 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
Back
when I saw the stinking turd of a film called Beowulf & Grendel, I
said to my friend as we walked out of the theater that we'd have been better
off seeing the Strangers With Candy movie that was playing in the
auditorium next door. Oh, how wrong I was! This is crap. Unfunny crap.
Painfully unfunny crap. It has no entertainment value whatsoever and I'm going
to leave it at that. The show was decent but the film is garbage. Avoid it at
all costs.
0 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
The
director of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation strikes all new cinematic lows with this dry rehash of the far superior original. The acting is
amateurish (except for Smallville's Erica Durance), the direction is
ham-fisted and it reeks of cheapness. Why when Eric Lively travels back in time
does it sound like someone is crumpling a Twinkies wrapper off camera? Other
than Durance's kinda nude scene it's a waste of time. I also found it funny
that in order to get the film to hit the 90 minute mark this 75 minute movie
has 15 minutes of ssslllooowww end credits to fill it out. At least MK2 had decent fight scenes you keep you entertained. Absolute garbage.
0.5 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
We
all saw those crappy ass trailers for this disaster waiting to happen over the
summer of '06. It looked so bad that there was no way that I'd see it. So I
thought. Boredom will make you do crazy things, and in the end this wasn't
too shabby. It's better then the second film in the series, but still it has that
cheese factor that I've come to expect. The storyline isn't original, but it's
told in an entertaining way with plenty of creative cinematography and awe
inspiring action/chase scenes paired up with catchy music. While hearing Lucas
Black's ridiculously prominent Texan drawl amidst all the Japanese characters
made me chuckle a few times, he's not a bad actor and neither are his co-stars.
I like it a lot, but I've seen a lot better films lately. Still, it's worth the
rent.
2.5 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
What
do you do when you have parents who are dead set on you attending college, but
none will accept you? You try to dupe your stupid parents and create your own
university! I know I did (narch)! It's funny, mainly due to Lewis Black, but
it's the same tired formula recycled over again. It has it's moments, and while
I did enjoy it for the most part, I can't say that I'd ever watch it again.
Justin Long and Jonah Hill have some great lines and are pretty good in their
roles, but it's all been done before. "Ask me about my weiner!!!!!"
2
out of 5
*written 12/9/06
One
of the better movies of the year, but it's very predictable. I had the big
twist figured out halfway through the film, but that didn't stop me from
enjoying it to the fullest. The story of 2 friends who are trying to become
stage magicians who part ways after a terrible tragedy, they become each
others greatest competition, and as they try to out-perform each other more
and more they begin to risk their lives/morality in doing so. Great
performances from the top notch cast (even Piper Perabo is good),
great and nuanced direction from Christopher Batman Begins
Nolan and magnificent cinematography and score combine into one very
interesting, if not flawed, movie event. It's also kinda disturbing in spots as
well (the final shot is creepy). I'm keeping this one short as to not spoil
anything. Way better than the other magician movie floating around theaters right now, The Illusionist.
4 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
This
is creepy. It's plot mirrors the goings on in Korea right now and it's not
ashamed to be making a statement about it. I admire the film in that regard,
but everything else is crap. It tries too hard to be a serious drama like Thirteen
Days and still have all the prerequisite action scenes too. What really
bugged me about this flick is that it's made entirely in that uber fast MTV
style that really gets on my nerves. The entire thing is shot with a high
shutter speed (think Gladiator's action scenes), ultra fast editing and
high contrast color correction. It's like a 90 minute music video. I couldn't
even tell what was going on during half of the gun battles due to this. Skip
it. The original, which was bad in a good way, is far superior.
1.5 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
Why
did this need to be remade? The original was perfect. What we get here is
virtually a shot for shot remake with more gore (not only did the priest get
impaled by the lightning rod, but he gets skewered by broken glass as well)
and some more cheesy visual techniques added in (the camera shake when Liev
Schreiber sees David Thewlis get decapitated was so damned silly). Julia Stiles
is totally miscast here, while Schreiber sleepwalks through the whole flick.
Only David Thewlis, Mia Farrow and Michael Gambon seem to give a crap about
their performances. Even the kid sucks as Damien. Plus there's plenty of visual
goof ups too, like the boom mic being completely visible in certain shots as
well the gun debacle in the finale (Thorn gets shot by a cop with a handgun,
then after a cutaway shot we see the cop lowering a massive smoking
semi-automatic machine gun). A pointless remake.
1 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
This
is one of the absolute best movies of the year! The cast is phenomenal (yes,
even Leo D kicks all forms of ass), as is the sheer amount of talent on display
in the acting and directing departments. Martin Scorsese has outdone himself in
terms of storytelling here, and even though there are multiple arcs involving
multiple characters, it's never confusing and all the loose ends are tied up
nice and neat by the time the end credits roll. The plot, while a remake of an
inferior Chinese film (Infernal Affairs), feels fresh and thrilling from
the opening frame due to some expert cinematography, catchy music and the
dynamic performances (Mark Wahlberg in particular surprised the shit out of me;
you hate his guts at the start of the film, but love him in the end). It's
suspenseful, dramatic and hysterically funny at times even through all the
twists, turns and double/triple crosses. A perfect example on how to make a
crime film and keep it entertaining and serious at the same time. A new all
time fave! The final shot is AWESOME!
5 out of 5
*written 12/9/06
Ever
see a movie that was so anti-PC and ballsy that you couldn't help but enjoy how
crass and wrong it is? That pretty much sums up Borat! There really is
no plot, just an excuse for the lead character, played to the hilt by Sacha
Baron Cohen, to travel around America pissing off as many people as he can with
his racist rantings and idiotic observations. And what's funnier is that he
actually points out how bigoted and stupid most Americans really are!
Regardless, I had a blast watching this flick! It's hysterically funny from
start to finish, and even when it does slow down to let us breathe it manages
to entertain immensely. It's also filled with tons of quotable lines like
"What's up Vanilla Face?" or "My wife's vagina hangs low like wizard's sleeve". Some unneeded stuff added for shock value, namely the
chase scene where Borat and his sidekick Azamat run through a hotel stark
naked for five minutes, really brought the film down a little bit. Still, it's a hoot!
4 out of
5
*written 12/9/06
This
is the last of the Project Greeenlight films, and I have to say that
after two lame ass coming-of-age flicks produced by the makers of that reality
show they went out with a bang! The story of a group of random people who are
trapped inside a bar because bloodthirsty creatures outside want to kill and
eat them, and not in that order, is a total hoot! Firstly, this flick is hilarious! It's
filled with off-the-wall humor that I really got a kick out of, and the
director added some creativity in the mix by having each character, during
their first moment on screen, get introduced by a biography that tells you
their name (no one has a proper name, it's their "title" like
"Hero" or "Drunken Loser"), their occupation and their life
expectancy within the movie. Jason Mewes, who has a cameo as one of the
patrons, plays himself with a bad perm and dies a particularly gruesome death
(his life expectancy reads "He's already surpassed our
expectations"). And those horny little baby creatures had me in stitches
as they tried to hump anything with a hole. The gore is abundant, as is the profanity and such, but
it's a fast and fun horror movie. Only the fact that certain sub-plots aren't
brought to their full conclusion brings it down a notch. Check it out!
4 out of
5
*written 12/9/06
I
know of the original movie from the 70s, but I've never seen it. So when this
Neil LaBute remake came out starring Nicolas Cage I decided that this would be
as good a time as any. Boy was I ever wrong. This flick stinks to high heaven
(even though it starts off with a bang!). Not only is it so damned boring that
I had a hard time staying awake throughout it's entire run time, but when the
supposedly shocking conclusion came about (of which I already knew about
beforehand from reading about the original film) I was actually glad that it
was over so I can go home and take a nap. The pacing is as slow as a snail, the
acting is over the top (especially in Cage's case), the dialogue is absolute
shit (and coming from a great playwright like LaBute this is totally criminal)
and there's some parts that are so flippin' ridiculous looking that I'm
surprised that they weren't cut out so the audience wouldn't laugh
unintentionally (the part where Cage goes around kung-fuing all those ladies in
the bar). It's an insult to the viewer's intelligence and should be avoided at
all costs.
0 out of 5
*written 9/7/06
The
trailers for this flick were pretty weak. It was just a bunch of random shots
strung together in rapid fire succession with a voice over by the coolest mofo
alive... Jason Statham. I like Statham as an actor. He's never really
disappointed me with his movies, either as a leading man or a supporting
player, so I decided to throw caution to the wind and check it out. I'm sure
glad I did!!!! This flick is fucking awesome! It's fast, funny and ridiculously
directed like a living comic book. Statham plays a hitman named Chev Chelios
who has been injected with a drug that will kill him if his adrenaline drops
below a certain level, so he has to keep doing crazy things to keep his heart rate up and stay alive long
enough so he can find his killer and dish out some payback. There is some truly
riotous shite in this movie, namely the public sex scene and the part in the
hospital (just the thought of Statham running out of that elevator like the
Flash while screaming like a crazed coyote makes me giggle). It's a movie
experience that I don't think will be topped by any other flick this year in
terms of creativity and entertainment value. Check it out!!!
4.5 out of 5
*written 9/7/06
I'm
not a fan of beer or the Broken Lizard comedy troupe, but put the two together
and you get a pretty damned funny comedy. Two brothers travel to Germany to
fulfill the dying wish of their grandfather, which is to take his ashes to a beer
drinking competition run by his evil brother, and from then on the laughs start
and never really stop. The Broken Lizard guys seem to all be on the ball with
this one (I couldn't stand any of their other flicks) and end up giving some
gut busting performances. Namely director Jay Chandrasekhar and his "Wow!
This shit is great! I wish I could freeze it, and make ice blocks out of it,
and then skate on it! Then, in the spring, melt it down and drink it!"
speech and Kevin Heffernan's "Real funny, Deutschebag." line. If you
like your comedies stupid and raunchy this is the one for you, but see Clerks
II first.
3 out of 5
*written 9/7/06
This
was the movie event of the summer for me. After months of hype this finally
showed up in theaters and I could witness it in all it's cheesy glory and
the wait was definitely worth it! From the title you KNOW exactly what this
flick is about, and that's exactly what you get with a shitload of comedy
thrown in for good measure. The only problem is that you have to sit through 20
minutes of poorly directed, poorly written and poorly acted crap before the festivities
begin. Once the snakes are released on the plane and all hell breaks loose the
fun starts and never stops. And all the re-shoot footage, which is blatantly
obvious, adds to the hokey glee of it all (seeing a chick get her nipple
sucked on by a rattler was the shizzy), and there are a TON of totally quotable
lines from all the cast of this brilliantly goofy thriller that no fan of
movies should miss! And Sam Jackson is the fucking man!!!! "I've had it
with these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' plane!" Pure genius!
4.5 out of 5
*written 9/7/06
I
last saw this flick about a decade ago while managing that crappy video
store, and the only thing I really remember was that it was super gory and has
a scene where some derelicts played a comical game of football with some poor
bum's severed penis. It was just released on DVD in a remastered 2-disc special
edition, so I picked it up for shits and giggles. It has no plot to
speak of and basically follows a small group of homeless winos who live in a
large junkyard and harass people and such. Also a local liquor store owner
discovers a box of 20 year old booze in his basement and decides to sell it to
the bums, but he doesn't know that it melts you from the inside out if you drink
it. There's plenty of cool gross out moments, nothing too gory since whenever
some poor schlub bites it they bleed every color other than red. Two really
nasty bits involve a fat dude exploding violently and one guy taking a burst
nitrous tank to the face. It does feature some subversive humor, social commentary and
off-the-wall humor (the aforementioned cockball scene), but most of the time
it's pretty uneventful and slow moving. Good to watch if you're drunk. LOL!
Oh
ya... Bryan Singer worked as a grip on this flick.
2.5 out of 5
*written 10/4/06
I'm
not going to go into specifics here, but I'll tell you flat out, some exceptions aside, that I HATE
WESTERNS! I had heard that this Aussie
take on the genre was excellent, and featured some great performances from Guy
Pierce and Noah Taylor, and so I decided to give it a rent. BIG MISTAKE! It's
slow, boring and overly melodramatic. It also took me 4 days to watch it since
after every 20 minutes I'd fall asleep. NOT A GOOD SIGN! If you're into this
type of movie, check it out. If you want a fast paced western, watch Tombstone instead. I know I will.
0.5 out of 5
*written 10/4/06
I
wasn't digging this goofy crime movie with a stupid title for the first 45 minutes. It was
confusing, characters did stupid things for no reason whatsoever and it's
overly clever sense of humor seemed a bit forced. Then the revelations began to
turn up and I slowly began to get into the story and in the end I was
pleasantly surprised by the way the events unfolded. The story of mistaken
identity taken to the breaking point with a great cast featuring Josh Hartnett,
Lucy Liu, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley and Bruce Willis features twist
upon twist upon twist (that I won't give away here) and it's a great little
thrill ride that generates laughs on top of gasps. Surprisingly entertaining!
3.5
out of 5
*written 10/4/06
Ellen
Page had better get nominated for an Oscar for her outstanding performance in
this creepy and disturbing flick. She plays Hayley, a 14-year old girl who opts
to meet the 31-year old Jeff (Patrick Wilson) at a coffee shop after hooking up
in an internet chat room. He comes off as a nice guy, but she suspects him of
being a sexual predator, and once he takes her to his home she drops her
innocent act and proceeds to drug, tie-up and torture her prey. It's a little
freaky seeing this young girl do all these horrific things to this obviously
sick man, but we end up feeling sorry for him as we slowly come to realize that
Hayley isn't playing around... she means business. It's acted extremely well
(even Wilson who sucked ass in Phantom of the Opera), and the direction
is light years beyond what you would expect for what essentially is a "two
people in a room" stage play sort of story. Although it gets a little
ridiculous in the end (this 80 pound girl is able to hoist a 180 pound dude 5
feet off the ground by a rope? No, ain't happening) it's still a remarkable
piece of filmmaking.
4.5 out of 5
*written 10/4/06
This is the original, uncut version of Tony Jaa's The Protector straight from Thailand. I found this on Ebay and purchased it right after reading about all
the cuts made to the film to make it faster paced for U.S. audiences. All I
have to say is "What were the Weinstein's thinking when they cut this to
shreds?" Now there is a clear cut motivation for Tony's character doing
all that crazy shit, the cop character is fleshed out and now there's a reason
for him hanging around Tony instead of just becoming his friend for no reason
whatsoever, the villain's motivations are explained in more detail, and all
those seemingly random encounters with prostitutes and such are explored most of the time. Sure it's still confusing trying to figure out who all these
different women are that pop up now and then, but it's still entertaining
regardless. This version of the movie is the way to go!
4 out of 5
P.S. To read the review of the American release, click here.
*written 10/4/06
Ong-Bak is one of my favorite martial arts movies not only because
it introduced me to Muay Thai, but because it introduced the world to the next
big star in martial arts flicks... the awesome Tony Jaa! This is his big follow
up movie, and while it features some of the best fights I've ever seen put to
film (that 5 minute long brawl up that long flight of stairs with not a single
cut or edit was fookin' great) the movie's plot and character development was
sliced out by it's American distributor, the ever evil Weinstein
Company. Are we such a stupid audience that we can't handle a little back story
mixed in with the action? Sure the plot is a little silly (basically Tony is on
the hunt for the men/women who killed his father and kidnapped his pet
elephant) and the dialogue is goofy, but I want to know what's going on
story wise instead of just fight after fight after fight. As it is this is a
great time for fight fans, but if you're looking to make sense of anything
look for the original Thai version Tom Yum Goong.
1 out of 5
P.S. To read the review of the uncut Thai version, click here.
*written 10/4/06
This
French action film, which was written by Luc "The Man" Besson,
showcases a relatively new form of martial arts called Parkour, the art of free running. While it might not sound like much it's actually
pretty friggin' sweet to see in action! The plot is kind of like Escape from
New York; a cop must infiltrate a bordered city called District B13 in
order to get some nuclear bombs away from a crazed drug dealer. It's simple and
pretty cliched, but the action scenes are what it's all about and they're
damned cool for the most part. I just with there were more fights in it (the
Parkour stuff is the main focus), but what's there is decent.
3 out of 5
*written 7/4/06
First
we get Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, then Hero, then House of
Flying Daggers and now Fearless. I love these epic martial arts
dramas! They end up having a great story to tell with interesting characters as
well as top-notch martial arts mayhem. This, however, is the best of
the bunch in my opinion. No crazy wire-fu stunts add to the coolness of the
awesomely choreographed fights (by The Matrix Trilogy's Yuen Wo-Ping),
and it features a great story about a real life martial artist who founded a
still popular school for Wushu martial arts back in the early 1900s. Jet Li gives the
performance of his career, and while this is his last film of this type, I
can't wait to see what he has in store for his fans in the future. My favorite
film of the year so far!
5 out of 5
*written 10/4/06
While
I wasn't really interested in this stuff when it first aired on MTV I ended up
DLing a couple of the episodes after hearing how side-splittingly funny they
were. And they WERE! So the movie was a no-brainer for me, and I loved every
sick minute of it. This sequel ups the ante on the crazy stuff this troupe of
nutjobs are willing to do to get a laugh, and while some of them aren't very
funny most of them hit the mark. My fave stunts were the Firehose Rodeo, the
Four-Way See-Saw, Blinfdolded Johnny vs. the Bull, the Butt Beer Bong and the
final Terrorist Taxi prank. The guys seem, when not doing something totally
stupid, to be a cool bunch that you'd really enjoy hanging out with at a bar.
They managed to get a few celebs to participate too like Luke Wilson, Jay
Chandrasekhar, Tony Hawk, John Waters and Willie Garson. One thing I will admit is that
I didn't need to see Chris Pontius drink horse semen. Although his follow-up
line of "I feel so ashamed" was hysterical, there's just some things you can't unsee.
4 out of 5
*written 10/4/06
This
feature length Dumplings was cut down from 90 minutes to 40 minutes to
fit into Three... Extremes, and while it does expand on the theme of the
short it also expands the characters and the plot. We now see more of the main
character's cheating husband and why she's so desperate to become youthful
again. We also get more backstory on Bai Ling's character and find out how old
she really is. It's much better in this form, but the ending is completely
different from the short version which was re-shot to fit into the anthology. I
must say that I appreciate the short version's finale a bit more since it's
more shocking and it fits into the theme of the story more appropriately. It's
creepy and atmospheric, but I think it still needed to be longer.
3.5 out of 5
*written 3/11/06
Another entry in the Asian horror anthology
series, but this time it's more akin to Creepshow 2 than anything
else... meaning it's lame. Memories (from Korea's Ji-woon Kim) is a
boring tale about a ghostly lady who is trying to put together the pieces of
her life which she's forgotten. The Wheel (from Thailand's Nonzee
Nimibutr) is about cursed puppets that want to possess a child. It's a bad rip off
of Puppet Master. And finally, Going Home (from Hong Kong's Peter
Ho-Sun Chan) nearly puts us to sleep with his slow and drawn out tale of a
crazed man who keeps his dead wife in his apartment hoping that she will one
day "wake up". Even typing up the descriptions of these stories are
making me drowzy. If you are allergic to Lunestra try this out.
1 out of 5
*written 7/4/06
This
Asian horror anthology flick features three non-connected stories from some of
the genre's greatest directors: Fruit Chan (China), Park Chan-Wook (Korea) and
Takashi Miike (Japan). It’s like an Asian Creepshow. The first story, Dumplings,
is about an aging actress who seeks to regain her youth by eating "special"
dumplings made from *$#%@ (I won't ruin it for you) is extremely disturbing and
freaky. Plus it co-stars Bai Ling (who I met in person at Celebration III) who
is smokin' hot, so I enjoyed this one even though it seems like it should have
been longer. Next is Cut, which is about a horror film director who is
taken hostage by a crazed extra from his films. This one meanders a bit too
much and isn't all that scary or interesting. Actually it's pretty damned
boring. Finally is Box, about a traumatized woman whose past comes back
to haunt her in the most horrific way possible. This one is a bust as well.
It's slow and not all that entertaining. 1 for 3 isn't all that great when it
comes to this type of movie, so I'd have to say skip it.
2 out of 5
P.S. There is a feature length version of Dumplings available. Read the review here.
*written 3/11/06
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